The Things We Left Unsaid
by fanfictioner22
Summary: Tenten shouldn't have read Neji's diary, but dead man doesn't need secrets.


He'd been dead for almost three weeks when Tenten tiptoed into her apartment. The rebuilding took most of her energy and attention and she didn't do much then grab a bite and take a nap between all the work piled up for her. She flicked her wrist and the door opened without a sound. The air inside stale and suffocating and Tenten could see the fine layer of dust all over the furniture. A big spring cleaning was in order but she'd do it in the morning – or afternoon depending on how early she could separate herself from her much missed bed.

Tenten shook her shoes and hung her worn parka on the old wooden hanger. Out of sheer stubbornness, she avoided looking at the other much larger jacket to the side. Keeping her head cool and her breathing even, Tenten stepped inside, absently closing the steel door behind her and burying herself in the darkness of the apartment.

She didn't bother with any of the lights, the slightly darker outlines warned her before she could run into anything. While making her way to her bedroom she freed her hair from her buns, the strands falling down like a chocolate cascade. The pouches containing her well-cared weapons were left on the low oak table along the narrow corridor, and her tired fingers undid the pearl buttons of her red trimmed white blouse.

All signs of bone-aching dissolved as she stopped in front of a closed door. Her tongue so swollen from repressed tears Tenten could barely breathe, but she didn't cry. No, she wasn't going to cry. Neji wouldn't want her to mourn him.

A deep breath and two heartbeats later, she opened the door to reveal her longest friend's bedroom. Softly, she stepped inside and stood there, looking. The low bed had a sky blue comforter Tenten recognized as a house gift from Hanabi. The dark coffee table in the middle of the room had ink and tea stains Tenten gave up long ago trying to scrub clean. The four small pillows served as seats and Heaven helps anyone who'd change their places. For someone who'd constantly knocked his full glasses and had the infuriating habit of wasting half the ink bottle dripping it around, Neji had been stubborn with the order of his possessions. His wardrobe was full of thick kimonos because the late Hyuuga would have easily gotten cold.

Every little piece made her remember a precious memory. Tenten swallowed shakily. Her footsteps sounded loud in the deadly stillness of his room like time had stopped and she was hanging by a threat not going forward. When she reached the table, she let her eyes sweep the polished surface where he had spent so many hours sitting and reading or writing or just simply enjoying a cup of tea.

The darkness wasn't much of an obstacle at this point and when she caught the sharp black edge of something poking under the plush cream coloured cushions, she kneeled. The object turned out to be leather bound notebook Tenten didn't recognize. It was awfully suspicious that Neji would leave it hidden under the table when his little bookcase was literally three steps away.

She ran her fingers over the rough cover, there was no title and the little book seemed more like an agenda rather than a book. Did she dare read it? Obviously, Neji had hidden it from curious eyes but –

But he wasn't here. And he wasn't going to return, ever.

What secrets could benefit a dead man?

Exhaling softly, she turned the cover and opened a random entry. She noticed that it was a date before they had moved in together.

" _It's rather strange that I remember many details of that day and yet the main picture is blurry in my mind. I can recall the refreshing smell of the oncoming rain, the rough bark of the tree standing strong behind my back, the faint song of a lone nightingale…_

 _And yet…_

 _A ninja darts into the garden, short with a scar under his left eye. I can remember his eyes, a honey brown that somehow was carefully blank. And then he urgently said something and there my memory grows fuzzy. Something about an attack – and an attempt on her life – and a hospital. Suddenly the world shifted, my body moved, and I was in the Konoha central hospital terrorizing the nurse for Tenten's room number._

 _I can't recall how I made it to the hospital, or the nurse or even the room number she was. All I knew at the moment that I was ın front of the room, only a lacquered wooden door separating me from her._

 _What was her condition? How badly was she hurt? Could I really manage to look at her at the state she was? What happened to the assassin?_

 _I trust Tenten. I know she is strong and yet she is in a hospital bed, recovering from an attack. I wasn't there to protect her and that thought burned like acid._

 _Steeling my emotions, I knocked twice and stepped in."_

"It's from then…" Tenten murmured, her fingers tracing the letters. Two years ago, one summer, a Kiri assassin had ambushed her at home and she was taken by surprise. It was her fault, mainly, she believed to be safe in her village, in her home, and her guard was not up. The assassin was skilled, as many tended to be, and she managed to knock him out at the end but not escaping without injuries herself.

Neji had knocked but barged in without waiting for an invitation. Had been strange and out of character for him. Slowly, the memory emerged from the depths of her mind.

" _Neji?" Tenten made a face when her voice crooked at the last syllable. Neji didn't seem to acknowledge her voice; his attention was on her, checking her body for injuries. Even without the Byakugan, his gaze was intense. His eyes flickered at the dripping IV, her freshly bandaged arms and then settled at the dark sickly colour of her face._

" _I'm okay."_

" _How bad?"_

 _She rolled her eyes. "The doctors are exaggerating -"_

" _Tenten."_

 _She had huffed a breath that turned into a cough. Instantly, Neji was at her side and gently helping her up._

" _You know Kiri assassins they love to use poison. Tsunade-sama recognized the concoction and prepared an antidote. I'm fine, I'll live. I know I don't look my best but its just my body fighting the poison."_

 _Neji's face pinched and Tenten had the urge to push his brows up._

" _It's nothing."_

" _Let me judge that Neji. What's going on through that head of yours?"_

 _Tenten learned that there was always going to be a difference between silence when someone didn't want to speak and silence when they were trying to. She knew her teammate. And she also knew that the Hyuuga was a man of few words – not Shino's level, certainly, but still, you wouldn't call Neji talkative._

 _All things considered, Tenten didn't like having Neji refusing to talk with her. Secrets behind closed lips and hurting eyes were familiar to the brunette. It wouldn't be the first that Neji got that face._

 _She realized that the face was becoming common. Thinned lips, stressed brows and some emotion twisting in his eyes. Every time she glimpsed it, Neji looked like he was about to say something but he never did. One of those long horrible silences that seemed to go on forever without results. Tenten was getting tired of silence._

 _Seconds passed and Neji kept his infuriating silence until Tenten, unable to wait any longer snapped. "Okay, you either speak now or leave. Your attitude is giving me a headache." Normally she wouldn't coat her words with such venom but the painkillers were wearing off and the dull throbbing of her tired body was turning into a howling pain._

 _Neji squared his shoulders and made a decision. "Would you like to be roommates?"_

 _That certainly wasn't what Tenten had expected. "What?"_

 _He moved closer until he was right next to her bed. Neji touched her hand, almost painstakingly gently, as if he was reassuring himself or gathering strength for his next words. Tenten waited again. Gaining the virtue of patience was obligatory with a man of few words._

 _She stared at him hoping to make him uncomfortable so he could answer faster._

 _It didn't work for five minutes._

" _Taking into account of the damage your apartment has suffered under the assassination attempt, it wouldn't be far off to guess you will be in need of a new place to reside. Coincidently, I was looking for my own quarters as the life at the compound tires me."_

 _For a tiny bit second Tenten wondered if she had woken in a parallel universe. Or maybe the drugs had a side effect of hallucinations. Maybe she was still sleeping?_

" _Hold it," she raised her hand, stopping the Hyuuga. "Let me get this straight. You want to move out of the compound and share a flat. With me."_

" _That would be my intention." His voice was dry and subtle as if there was more to his intention then he had let on. Even if she was curious Tenten didn't have the time to press on for answers._

 _An ugly thought filtered in her foggy mind and she weakly pushed him away from her bed. "I don't need a babysitter-"_

" _Tenten I wasn't-"_

" _Then why are you offering to move in together right after I was attacked? We are not dating or anything, so what gives you the right-"_

" _No, we are not lovers." Neji interrupted her with much more bite and bitterness then she had expected. "I'm aware of your strength and certainly you are a capable woman that does not need to be looked after. However, as you teammate is expected for me to worry about you. On that, you cannot argue."_

 _Her stilled silence compelled him to keep talking. "I would be lying if I said the attack had nothing to do with my decision." He admitted eyes downcast at the glaringly white bandages. "Moving in together was a thought I've been entertaining for a while. It would reduce the costs and our schedules often match."_

" _We are inviting Lee too, then?"_

 _The Hyuuga recoiled, not expecting their third teammate to be a part of the picture._

" _We are a team and our schedule's match, and what did you say? Ah, it will reduce costs. Should I also add that from out of the three of us he is the best cook?" the challenge in her voice was clear as a day. Tenten wanted him to admit that he really just wanted to hover over her and protect her. He wouldn't have made the suggestion otherwise. Neji didn't believe she was strong and that stung more._

"… _Very well then." His voice was controlled, closed off. "I will inform Lee."_

… _that was unexpected. Tenten waited for him to take it back or joke it off but the Hyuuga didn't budge._

 _So she answered, and she was faintly surprised that she meant it. "Okay."_

 _The answering half-smile he gave her was strangely grateful._

After she was released from the hospital, they had moved in together. Lee was more than happy to help them in apartment hunting and then furniture choosing. It had felt strangely domestic, like a newlywed couple shopping for their little love nest. So, would that mean Lee was their love-child?

Shivering, Tenten rubbed her eyes. _Nope, not thinking about that._

Her fingers itched. At this point Tenten didn't think of stopping, she had already started anyway it couldn't hurt to look some more.

Neji would have definitely been angry with her for her actions so Tenten decided to just skim the pages instead of reading them completely.

 _The seasons were changing once again. Fall was over and winter was arriving if the chillingly cold winds were anything to go by. Maybe this year will be cold enough for the lake in the compound to completely freeze. Hanabi wanted to practice skating-_

 _The new hair product I have bought was surprisingly effective. The scent of citrus is milder than the lemon I generally use-_

 _Hinata-sama was worried about her flower garden again. It seems some kind of aggressive weed was suffocating the healthy plants. It's unacceptable to have such-_

 _Ino must be the evilest being the Gods dared to create. I will not share a mission with her unless it's extremely necessary and requested especially by the Hokage. She had no right to paint my nails fire red during my sleep, how dare-_

 _My new technique needed more refinements, and yet, knowing this I regardless tried to do it during training. I cannot get over my teammate's faces when they had to fish me out of the lake, disoriented and-_

 _Must not forget to buy more honing oil, Tenten keeps using mine plus hers and complains when she can't find anymore in the house. Truly, she could-_

 _I swear if Lee gets another green jumpsuit for my birthday this year-_

" _Hypothetically speaking, do you think there's a chance that you'd ever fall in love with me?" –_

What.

Knuckles whitening over the leather cover, Tenten re-read the phrase. She turned pale in the semi-dark room, eyes wide and thoughts whirling like the wind in a thunderstorm.

Love.

She never thought about love, not like her female companions whom always seemed to find someone to be attracted too. As she didn't ponder on the subject as it wasn't something crucial to her, she assumed the same was true for her teammates. Well, there was a time where Lee had been crushing on Sakura but he eventually had gotten over it and Gai-sensei had this weird thing with Kakashi-sensei for which she was sure it was Gai's way of flirting.

But, Neji…

He had never expressed any type of interest in any gender. Tenten racked her brain for any time she heard him talk about someone _that way_ but she drew blank.

She didn't want to read the rest. This was way too much, way too personal. Tenten didn't need to know this, at all.

And yet, she read it.

 _The night was warm and the time was late, we were tumbling towards home after a long awaited get together with all our friends. Rarely were we all present in Konoha with free evening and of course, Ino would suggest a bar as a meeting point. It's a night I reflect many times and perhaps a conversation I don't regret having. At least, I learned my place in her life, at least I had an answer for my feelings and at least…_

 _Maybe it was the assurance of alcohol in both our veins that compelled me to ask her. "Hypothetically speaking, do you think there's a chance that you'd ever fall in love with me?"_

"… _.That's a possibility."_

 _There was ringing in my ears, I remembered that clearly. And the shapes shadows made under the streetlight, crawling slowly along the walls. Strength left her knees and she snatched my shoulder to avoid falling. Almost instantly, my arms slid around her holding her up and close. Her hazy brown eyes stared under her curly lashes and for a moment I forgot to breathe._

 _I can confess, and maybe she won't remember in the morning but I will repeat, as many times as I have to I can finally have –_

" _But not quite sure if I should." She had mumbled, yawning cutely. "You're kinda important in the clan, they'll find ya a pretty noble girl or somethin. Not like I could give ya an heir anyway. I'm asexual, that kinda kills the game."_

 _I had no answer, just stared at her flushed face while she kept drunkenly mumble about no attraction and she doesn't need nor want any relationship. My movements slow and calculated, I brushed a stray hair back behind her ear only to have it drift out of place again. I secured it with my fingers, the hair soft between my digits, the tips caressing her ear in a bittersweet gesture that I allow to linger._

" _I see."_

 _That's all I said as we stumbled home._

" _I will never touch another drop of alcohol as long as I live." Tenten declared the morning after. Judging by her state, she won't be all that far from her wish._

" _How do you feel?" This was normal, yes? Completely mundane duty to ask the well-being of a close friend._

" _Like every organ in my body is made of slick slime."_

 _I hummed, not knowing how to respond. Looking at her hurt, with her sleepy eyes and free hair, she looked beautiful to my eyes and the thought hurt more. It mustn't be this difficult, I know where we stand and yet it felt like we are miles apart._

" _This might help," I slid the steaming cup towards her. "Here, drink."_

 _She mumbled thanks and took a careful sip._

" _Do want something to eat?"_

 _She nodded. "Yes." Turning green slightly, she refused. "No. Never."_

 _Gods this was a true challenge. However, I will not burden her with my feelings. Tenten is not obligated to respond to my love and I cherish her company too much to destroy what we built. I wanted more but she was content with this. Alas, her wishes will always have priority, over mine._

She felt weak. Never, not even in her chakraless state in the war or bone-tired shakings during training, did she felt this way. Having resolve and determination to sell was her strength, she got up right back up whenever she fell. Had witnessed so many horrors during her career but didn't keel over. Had killed innocent and guilty alike and then went to grab a coffee with her girlfriends.

Carrying an inner fire that could not be quenched. But now, now, it was a dying ember of flickering yellow-red.

She made to choice to read Neji's diary but she never expected to learn about his well-hidden crush on her. Deep inside, guilt churned in her gut mixed with relief. Relief for she didn't have to turn him down and guilt for taking comfort in it. Torn between two feelings Tenten felt like a plastic drifting on the wind useless, meaningless and without a destination. It shouldn't have hurt, not like this, but it did and Tenten did her best to breathe through the lump lodged firmly in her throat.

Guiltguiltguiltguilt.

Wave after wave it washed over her and Tenten wasn't surprised to find her eyes wet. Surrounded by the ghostly memories she let her over-flowing feelings out and for the first time since what felt like forever, Tenten cried. She cried for the great man that was ripped away from her life. She cried for the half-destroyed village she loved with all her heart. She cried for the stubborn determination of Lee's to train and be strong enough, be fast enough to save his precious people. She cried for the forced smiles and the way Gai-sensei's eyes would fall on the empty spot at her elbow.

And she cried for the emptiness of her apartment, once a sanctuary after difficult missions, and how it had lost its comforting aura and the feeling of safety.

It was Neji's presence, Tenten realized; it was him that made her feel safe in her own village. The man she trusted most. The companion, the best friend, the solid rock, the sane one in her crazy team, the voice of reason, the teammate. He seemed to be in every corner of her life and now his absence made it so obviously, achingly real that even if the village was rebuilt nothing would be the same.

The worse blow was her own confliction. Had he confessed Tenten would have broken his heart and the bond between them would've strained and strained and strained. Their weekly training turning awkward, co-living uncomfortable with avoiding eyes and fake smiles. So, Tenten shoved her guilt down and squared her shoulders, eyes glinting with a goal and left the room the diary clutched tight under her arm.

 _You always thought about me first, Neji, now I understand your silence. You chose to suffer yourself than put me through it. Even to the end, a perfect gentleman._

She stood in front of the little hearth she used only in the coldest winters. There was a thick layer of old ash from last winter and luckily, at the corner, there were some logs in good enough condition to use. Tenten tossed two over the ash bed, a half-hearted fire jutsu and she had a small fire going on in no time. The flames were greedily licking the wooden offerings and Tenten watched them for a while before taking the leather journal between her hands.

It wasn't that thick, Neji probably wrote when he needed to de-stress and of course, the dork would rather passive-aggressively write his feeling than talk them over with someone. The fire cast flickering shadows on the dark cover, giving her a show of what was to happen should they reach it.

"Thank you, Neji and sorry." Her voice a whisper against the crackling fire. "Sorry for snooping around your room and reading your diary. Most of all, thanks for loving me even though I wasn't – couldn't return it the way you desired."

And with her final farewell, the kunoichi tossed the precious journal into the grabby hands of the red-gold flames.


End file.
